July 17, 2007
I'm a dreamer. I can't remember a time in my life when I haven't been coming up with plans for my future that get me so excited that I practically jump out of my shoes. And then later, as I look back on what I've done, all of the fantastic things I imagined for myself were replaced with the mediocre. My average and uneventful life is the result of my not following through with my far-fetched dreams. And as badly as you want great things for yourself, you find yourself stuck in the normal. How do you get unstuck? Life buries you with commitments and responsibilities, and the more you try to dig yourself out, the more things collapse on top of you.
I don't know how to go about changing things for real. Some things in my life are too great and I wouldn't want to risk losing them just for adventure's sake. Decisions are a tricky thing. Damn decisions.
April 23, 2007
What's worse...having someone you love thousands of miles away and not getting to be with them or having that same person only 2 hours away and not getting to be with them? I can't decide.
But how is it even possible for me to complain??? I am the happiest girl in America. GLOOORY!!!
April 18, 2007
Funny how things can make you feel so happy you think your heart is going to explode, but so anxious that you're pretty sure you're going to puke out all of your insides.
I'm looking out the window and the sun and moon are right next to each other. Its freaking me out quite a bit. I hope its not an omen about the sky, because all planes need to be extra safe today.
I'm stressed out, but not in an unhappy way. Just....anxious. I said that, but thats the only word. I feel like my hair should all be sticking straight out on end. Unfortunately thats not the case...cuz I would look sexy.
I'm trying to frown alot today so that my mouth is prepared for the next 24 hours of unending, intense smiling that I will certainly have no control over.
Words fail me when feelings are so strange, gigantic, and indescribable. How sad for the reader. I guess you will have to use your imagination to translate this:
OGIAERJUOAIEJGLMBLJGKTIEAORQUPOTISZJDHGKJDFBLAKJGALFKHJPLYD.
April 15, 2007
You know what, fine, I'm not the perfect Christian. I hate my church here in Oklahoma and consquently skip out more often than I ought. Its between me and God and honestly I don't think He loves me any less. He knows my heart. And He knows how much I love to worship Him, especially at church. When I am in a place where I enjoy going to church, I go every week just because I can't help myself. But that place is not here, so yes...I have been rarely attending. This past Sabbath, however, I decided to go. During the part where we get up and hug our neighbors, I hugged one of my friends aunts, who looked and me and said "Congratulations!". I looked at her quizzically and said, "Congratulations? Congratulations for what?", to which she replied, "Getting out of bed."
Now I understand it was a joke, I do. She didn't mean any harm, in fact, she probably thought that her humor was winning points with me since we are both fairly easygoing people. But all it did was make me feel bad. Because I know her, I know those people, the people who keep a mental note of who goes to church and who doesn't, and then base their opinions of a person's character around it. Some people can joke around and its cool, like, hey...look who finally showed up! But others you just know go back and talk about you behind your back with their families...and have the gall to think they are so much better and more christian than you. You feel like they keep a tally..."Thats right, Becky has gone to church three times in the last three months. I also saw her wearing a short skirt and heard loud music coming from her car that I'm positive was secular!!" And its these kinds of people that ruin that church for me, because I don't want to be around them. So they can think what they want...if my absence in their small, sad church is going to entertain them then they can talk about me as much as they want.
I'm going to Texas. I'll see ya'll in church.
April 12, 2007
Yes, I have neglected the precious blog for many days now, but it has all been for the better, seeing as how I have been super-stressed as of late and therefore my posts would have been quite unenjoyable.
I am starting to believe that my brain literally has an over-abundance of some kind of chemical in it. Why is it that my reactions to things aren't just your average reactions? Its some kind of effect being happy has on my behavior that I find very difficult to control. Its like I can literally feel joy in my blood, coursing through my veins and all over my body, like a drug. Heres an example. You go online and start talking to your friend. A regular conversation might start something like this:
You: hey
You: how ya doin?
Friend: pretty good
Friend: you?
You: great! i just got home from school.
Now, this is how the conversation goes when I've been hit with an overdose of joy:
Me: HEEEEEEEEY!!!!!!
Friend: hey! how are ya?
Me: DUDE ITS THE BEST DAY EVER! I LOVE THIS DAY!!!!!
Friend: lol really
Friend: somebody called in sick and i had to work for them tonight
Me: ooooooh MAAAAAAAAAN. that SUCKS. i HATE when that happens.
Okay maybe that doesn't really make my point. But take note of all the capital letters and exclamation points and realize that they equal NOISE in a real-life conversation. Its like, when I get happy I don't just get happy, I get ECSTATIC. In this ecstaticism, my brain will not interpret situations correctly...if something is unfortunate, like say, you had to work someones shift...to me, it is not just unfortunate...it is THE WORST THING EVER. Or you just drank a cup of coffee...I will not just say, "ooh yum! coffee!" I will say "MMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMM
COFFEES THE BEST THING EVER
MAN I WANT SOME COFFEE SOOOOOOOOOOOO BAD RIGHT NOW!!!!!!!"
I shout everything I say when I am in this ecstatic state, not noticing that I am far beyond my indoor voice and possibly causing harm to the eardrums of the people standing nearest to me. I move all over the place...I will jump and flail just because there is no other way to express the overpowering enthusiasm that is reverberating out of my entire being. And that is how I feel right now. Best day ever!!! LITERALLY...BEST. DAY. EVER.
This is not just something that happens once in while. Its ALL THE TIME. I am plagued by the ecstaticism. I guess thats just how I'm made...but sometimes I fear for the explosion of my head.
April 6, 2007
As every day seems to take forever to go by, I wake up and realize that its already April and I've got alot to do. I was so busy every day, worrying about how long this semester was going to take to finish, that while it felt so long the days actually were passing and it actually is over and I'm not even ready!! There's so much to be done and so little time!!
How? How will I be ready for all of this?? I need some money to come pouring out of heaven somehow. Oh who in the world knows whats going to happen.
April 5, 2007
Its time for me to go somewhere new...somewhere foreign and exotic and tropical. I need to leave the US and see other worlds. Then I start thinking about it and it seems like an impossibility...money...time...commitments...everything gets in the way. But thats what my heart wants to do and I can't change it. The desire to leave literally makes my chest ache. I want to just pack up my stuff and GO. I always imagine what I could do. Buy the cheapest ticket to anywhere awesome, take all the money in my bank account, and just leave. How exciting it would be, a spontaneous adventure. Instead I have to sit here, enduring the seemingly unending boredom. Oh to travel, to travel and travel and travel. I wish it was not only a dream.
April 3, 2007
I woke up and could smell adventure in the air. I think everyone should sleep with their windows open. Yum. I feel a little like poop though, so maybe after school i will postpone my adventure until I take a power nap. I believe my very own mother has infected me with something treacherous that causes yellow goo to drip into my throat.
What's better than flip-flops? Not too many things. They are up there with Love, God, and Begian Chocolate Seashells. Without fail, it makes my morning 47 times happier once I've slipped on a pair.
Its very difficult mustering up the strength to drive a whole hour just to sit in class for an hour and have to drive an hour back. Three hours of my day wasted on a one-hour class. Thankfully its Sociology, which is my favorite. I hadn't even really heard of that subject but it really is beginning to fascinate me. Every class is super interesting and I'm learning alot, which took me by surprise. I was talking to someone the other day and using a bunch of Sociology terms without realizing that all that information from class had actually gone in one ear and NOT out the other. So I'm going to look into it, talk to a counselor or something...see if Sociology is a possible career path. Who knows...it can't hurt to at least find out.
Also, a very happy birthday to my darling wifey, the apple of my eye. I was thinking about it Crystal, a box of Belgian Chocolate Seashells has 22 chocolates in it....you ought to buy a box and eat the whole thing, one chocolate representing every year of your life. Just an idea. If you don't like them you can send me the 21 leftovers.
April 2, 2007
Everything beautiful is coming all at once. The 2 weeks of rain stopped and it has been so nice that I've been frolicking around half-naked for 3 days. I finally saw a friend for the first time in four whole months. I knew I needed it, but it was even better than I imagined. My boyfriend should be coming sometime in the next two weeks. There's about a month left of school. One month. That's nothing!! And then I will be officially halfway to my degree. Then comes summer....which means I see all of my girls who I adore and miss so dreadfully. After that, I move to Texas with my brother and life as I know it will change forever. The clouds are parting and I can see the sun again...the worst semester of my life will just be a distant memory.
Speaking of the sun...I need a tan desperately. It was in the high 80's yesterday and I decided to bring my little brother to the lake and attempt to not look like an albino. We had taken the fast way, the back road, when we started to sink in the mud. I didn't think it was such a big deal, we had driven through a bunch of little mud puddles along the way. But no, oh no, this wasn't one of those. Before I knew it or could do anything about it, we were utterly stuck in mud all the way up to the top of the tires. The thing about mud is, if you push on the gas, you are just spinning the tires faster and digging yourself into a deeper hole. I wasn't going ANYWHERE. Thankfully (and it was pure, dumb luck, because that road is RARELY used) a truck came along almost right away, had a rope, and pulled me right out of there. I pretty much ruined the road though...there are humungous ruts in it now and its going to be even harder to drive on. And I screwed up the car SO BADLY it took me at LEAST two hours before all the mud was off and out of the tires. I had fun with the hose though...and at least I got some sun.
March 29, 2007
I almost died driving home today. It was raining so hard that I couldn't see the road, not even a little. I could just faintly make out the white line on the right side, and that's how I managed to survive. Imagine a 2-inch sheet of ice coating your windshield; that's how it looked. I'm quite happy to be still alive.
People are right when they talk about how important the little things in life can be. In fact, currently, the little things seem to be all I have. Like this morning: my boyfriend called me. Usually I am the one making the calls because it costs him a boatload from over there, so it really meant alot to me. What meant even more was the fact that he didn't have anything he needed to tell me except that he loves me. It made me feel good for the rest of the afternoon. Later at work, with about an hour left until my shift was over, my manager gave me the remains of his chicken parmesan. Apparently he hadn't been very hungry because it was a pretty sizable piece of chicken that I had the pleasure of finishing off for him. So that made me pretty happy too, the fact that my managers are all so cool. I've had a pretty good day, manager-wise. Driving-wise, maybe not so much.
March 27, 2007
Its one of those days...the kind that start off annoying from the very beginning. You are woken from sweet slumber to the sound of your family fighting loudly in the kitchen. You try to get out of bed, only to find that something went tragically wrong in your lower back region, almost resulting in an inability to move entirely. Looking in the mirror, you curse the time of month for that mammoth pimple in the center of your forehead. God bless makeup. Your coffee tastes amazing except for the very last gulp thats almost a solid chunk of coffee grounds. Geez mom. By the time you get to school you really wish you had known it was going to rain when you end up walking a half mile to class in a white shirt, jeans all soaked on the bottom and your cold feet squishing around clammily on your once-white flip-flops. Damnit. If your back didn't hurt so much maybe you could walk a little faster.
And now here you are, friendless, alone, stuck in a town with nothing to do for four hours but pray your back will miraculously heal before you go to work and have to lift giant stacks of ceramic plates all night.
Of course, when I say you, I mean me.
Forgive my cynicality and negativity. It really is that time of month. I'll be back to my positive, chipper self tomorrow. For now, brooding and complaining feel good.
